Marriage is not only a matter of choice. The choice of who to marry largely depends on the individuals who decide to marry.
I was raised among believing folks who preach that for every man, God has predestined his wife and vice-versa.
For one, this mentality requires that a man has no say when it comes to the choice of who to marry. And since he has no say in the process, he is duty-bound to accept whatever ‘sister’ God brings his way.
Here lies the truth of the matter: There has never come a time when man has no choice on any matter! God created man with a will, i.e. the ability to make choices; power to decide. There has never been a situation where God forces an option on anyone.
No Predestination!
When it comes to marriage, God does not predestinate. There is no special individual particularly/specially created by God and ordained for the believer to marry. A believer is at liberty to marry whomever he chooses as long as it’s in the Lord.
People who point at the union of Adam and Eve as a proof of preordination in marital relationships need to go back to the beginning (Genesis) to see that Adam didn’t really have the luxury of options (women) to choose from. There was just one woman available at the time – Eve. Unless he could make a choice from among the animals, there was really no alternative to Eve.
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Take Responsibility!
He who finds a [true] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
The operative word in the verse above is find. To find is to discover something after searching. The one who wants a wife is to do the searching. He however doesn’t search arbitrarily. Instead, he has biblically approved precedence for searching. If God has specially created an individual for a believer, such wouldn’t need to invest his effort into searching. Rather, he’ll only need to pray that God ‘leads’ him to his default partner or that they meet one way or another.
Just Imagine!
Picture this scenario: Imagine that you are an unmarried believing sister. However, you have two believing brothers who are asking for your hand in marriage. You then go to God, presenting these two fellows to him, asking him for his will among them.
Bear in mind that these brothers are both God’s children by the virtue of their salvation. Also, bear in mind that they enjoy the same status/privilege from God their father. By asking God to choose among His children as your marital choice, aren’t you asking Him to be partial? Isn’t that a way of presupposing that God has favourites among his children? What kind of father regards/prefers one of his children above the other despite the fact that they have the same personality?
While men can be partial, God can’t be. He regards all of his children alike and won’t superimpose one on you (over the other/others). At the end of the day, it will be up to you to choose prayerfully and circumspectly, based on godly, important and feasible natural/human parameters.
If, having read the article to this point, you somehow deduce that I’m implying that you take a do-as-you-like approach to finding/determining your life partner, you’ve succeeded in missing the drift. You need to understand that the liberty/freedom of a believer is not reckless, malicious or unfettered.
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The liberty the believer has is in Christ. Hence, the believer is at liberty to ‘do as he pleases’ as it behoves one who is of God. His expression of freedom is to the extent to which Christ has made him free. Therefore, for instance, in his expression of his liberty to choose a spouse for himself, the believer won’t even think of having a love relationship with an unbeliever.
Why? He knows that as the temple of God, he is not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. He knows that he should get hooked with a lady who is a fellow believer and shares similar doctrinal persuasion (in terms of sound doctrine).
Your Choice…among other things
Are there salient factors to consider in deciding on the choice of a life partner? Certainly! Is there such a thing as biblical perspective on marital choice? Definitely! Of course, there is the place for the leading of the Spirit and direction. What’s more, whoever says you don’t need to pray concerning marriage or choice of spouse is delusional. (These factors are going to be well addressed in subsequent articles). Nevertheless, to think God rubber stamps a fellow on you as life partner is nothing but fallacious.
Folks have wasted years waiting for that particularly preordained man/woman from God when they could have long been married. In fact, many have lost the opportunity of getting married to an ideal man or ideal men who crossed their paths just because a ‘man of God’ told them the real man is yet to show up. Would that they knew that choice is ‘up to them’. Would that they realised God didn’t create a special man that they were bound to marry.
Will of God?
Many times, when certain believers use the expression will of God in relations to marriage, they think in terms of marital preordination. You hear them ask questions like: Have you found the will of God for your life? Are you sure brother XY is the will of God for you..? They seem to forget that the will of God is not mysterious to the believer. He only needs to diligently and prayerfully search the scriptures to determine that will for every circumstance (marriage and marital choice inclusive), per time.
I’m yet to see an instance from the bible where God decided who a believer must marry. If you happen to find one, do let me know. In the meantime, do well not to confuse the leading of the Spirit with spiritual imposition.
Written by Ayansola Ibukun Ademola.
Ayansola Ibukun Ademola is a graduate of English and a freelance writer/editor and proofreader. You may reach him via ayansolaibukun18@gmail.com
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